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©2003-2009 ~divvish
:icondivvish:

Artist's Comments

Edit: Okay... I thought it was about time that I gave this a title. I know it's not an original title, but I think it suits the poem. If you think I should have just left it as "Currently Untitled"...then please let me know.

--In which a loner desperately wishes for a companion..

A mysterious man grants the person a friend, and in exchange...the person unknowingly surrenders something equally (or much more important.)

Constructive criticism is welcome, but I can't guarantee that I'll go back to revise... eee

This isn't the best display of my writing, but I really like the subject matter/concept...

The raven photo is (c) Raven J. Brown. The person doesn't
mind if it's distributed/used freely.
[link]
The poem was written by me, (c) E.Y. 04

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconradiopooh:
damn bird
i hate them
i would bite their heads off
and spit out their feathers

grin / no need to tell you your piece inspirid me

--
:community: Come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together and love one another, right now
:ninja: meditate on this. -> [link]
:iconpurplesteel:
With improvement, this could be quite a piece. The imagery is excellent and the story ain't too shabby. As it is, several things need to be improved:

1) Line length. They're awkwardly long. Shorten 'em and they'll be fine.
2) The rhyme scheme is cliched and unnecessary. It doesn't really add to the poem and is very stumbly and awkward in places.
3) If you're going to use rhyme, a rhythmic meter of some sort needs to be in place. Otherwise it's wearisome to read. While iambic pentameter's a good place to start when looking at rhythmic meter, it is just that: a starting point. Play with meters, use unusual ones. Be creative! :)

Keep on truckin' :)

--
nope

Details

December 18, 2003
3.5 KB
34.8 KB
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